ok, I figure I should update out of kindness, though I havent been feeling like it. hmmm, how far back must I go.....ok, so like yeah, I started to randomly freak out, like badly, I was like bang boom bam. Ok, first my line between depression and unhappiness called content was shaking wildly and breaking fast like an earthquake. I was becoming horrible unstable. I started to attack some people (one person was attacked for being straight and for being a fool in love with a hussy in love back), or I started to crumble at people with guilt, appologizing for accusations and unfairness and things dun out of vengence with extreme concern. The line of content was obviously dying fast though I held on and soon became delirious with denial about my mood, telling myself I was happy when I wasnt. Then a friend's surprise party came and I was happy and all smiling for the first few minutes until I became a reject. Everyone started to run off, the couples wouldnt give a second of thier time to be with said friend and where gone off in a room half of the time and if not there the "guys" went to talk by themselves and forgot to at least attempt to invite said friend, sure, he wasnt in a couple relationship but he is still a guy and I mean me, Im a gay, so I understand, but poor said friend wasnt even invited. And then said friend began to clean and and few others and I sat around bored like (at least until we envoked our revenge for the fog machine room that was stupidly closed and then the holes were plugged on the doors and windows >:D). So yeah, I got depressed cause I was with a whole bunch of people who were collectively alone. We were the rejects and it made me feel like shit. I have a scar on my wrist from my constant scratching that night in an attempt to make myself think of something else. I was thinking of killing myself the next day, and I probably would have, except that after being dragged to the mall, I found that I too was a victim of a surprise party. So I brightened up and got happy, my mood has been up since. I mean, a surprise party, how can you resist. And it was a great party, there was dancing, and people got to see me spanish dance (which is something I dont let many people see as, at least I dont think, I dont dance well). And then we went outside and played the spinning hole game and it ended cuase we all got sick (at least the people who played). And then we went back inside, danced some more, people started to leave, presents were opened and joy was spread ^-^. Of course, though that made me feel great and all, it didnt solve my problem of not having anyone at the moment and it kinda depressed me that for my birthday I wasnt going to have a lover to give that one special present (and no, that "special" doesnt always imply sex and the such, its just extra special because it is your lover who gave it to you). And then I thought about how this would probably happen for christmas too, and I was a bit saddened but not enough to but me into depression. Well, in light of not habing anyone, I decided to put a Queen song up here, just cause Im a loser...

Somebody To Love

Words and music by Freddie Mercury

Can anybody find be somebody to love?

Each morning I get up I die a little

Can barely stand on my feet

(Take a look at yourself)Take a look in the mirror and cry

Lord what you're doing to me

I have to spend all my years in believing you

But I just can't get no relief Lord

Somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (somebody)

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard (he works hard) everyday of my life

I work till I ache my bones

At the end (at the end of the day)

I take home my hard earned pay all on my own

I get down (down) on my knees (knees)

And I start to pray (praise the Lord)

'Til the tears run down from my eyes

Lord somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (please)

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

(He wants help)

Every day - I try and I try and I try -

But everybody wants to put me down

They say I'm goin' crazy

They say I got a lot of water in my brain

Got no common sense

(He's)I got nobody left to believe

Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Ooh

Somebody (somebody)

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

(Anybody find me someone to love)

Got no feel I got no rhythm

I just keep losing my beat (you just keep losing and losing)

I'm OK I'm alright (he's alright)

I ain't gonna face no defeat

I just gotta get out of this prison cell

One day I'm gonna be free Lord

Find me somebody to love find me somebody to love

Find me somebody to love find me somebody to love

Find me somebody to love find me somebody to love

Find me somebody to love find me somebody to love

Find me somebody to love find me somebody to love

Somebody somebody somebody somebody somebody

Find me somebody find me somebody to love

Can anybody find me somebody to love

Find me somebody to love

Find me somebody to love

Find me somebody to love

Find me find me find me

Find me somebody to love

Somebody to love

Find me somebody to love...