Ok, second entry of the day. This one will probably be longer than the last one and more emotional. Ok, so then, I get to school right, and after that, I started to feel strange, like, strangely strange. My mood has gone to blah, I dont know if its depression or not, I probably dont care. That right there, that scares me. Its like Im on the outside of myself looking in and yet have some attachment to myself. I know Im there but I dont know. I can see when I do something stupid, I can see when Im out of control, I can see all this things, but from afar, like I have no control over what I do and what happens to me. I see that I have mood swings, I also see that there are very conflicting sides to me, like the fact that I like math and cant go without reason but also can understand the eastern philosophies that say that nothing exists other than to keep you from moving on to the next life. Why is this, I dont get it. My emotions reflect this. I have my depressed side that is morbid, hates the world, and then hates everything in it. I also have my mania side that thinks life is beautiful and should be lived to its fullest and that smiling is good. I also have a side that doesnt care, it wants escape and wants to be free of the material world, it wants spiritual enlightenment but then there is a giant weight holding it down. Ack, the pain. And then, there is something else, I call it me but I call those other things me as well, the form in which I float around watching it all.

Sometimes I feel different. I feel like out of all the people in humanity, I am completely different. And though this is true, I cant also help but thinking that this difference is something disgustingly evil, something that should not be let to live. I constantly feel alone, like here I am and there is everyone else but they arent here. This causes me mental and spirtual lonliness, which causes depression. I mean, I dont mind physical company, especially in the sexual sense because it stops the other problems from clouding my mind but I still feel it come back. blak.

High school is my depressant. I go there to get depressed. It causes change in everyone, some people purely because of the hardness that is dawning upon them, some because people make them face reality, and some a combination of many things. I dont like this change, it makes me feel worse, like as if people wish to avoid you and such. Then I feel physically estranged and then I get lonely and outcasted. Its not a fun feeling to have. Also, just when you think something provides you happiness, you lose it, it dies and festers within your hands, it estranges you from what it feels, and for what reason, how can you know, your estranged, remember. I feel as if Ive lost something in which I liked alot and it makes me cry inside (I seam to be unable to do it outside, trama I guess). Life is a shame.

Also, decievers make me feel worse. I realized that when I am decieved, there is nothing that bothers me more than a mere explaination. But through the flirtatous mask of the internet, I cannot see the face on the other side and so I can not tell if the deciever is truely someone else other than who he claims to be or if he is who he originally claimed to be but is masking his feelings with an excuse. I cannot tell and it bothers me so, makes me sad and the such on the inside. Its not nice to tease the insecure you know.

I dont know how much longer Im going to make it. Everytime I step foward in time its like I draw nearer and nearer to death, as if death's breath blows the wind towards me and I can only walk fowards towards it until it consumes me. But it seams to draw closer and closer, like as if something will happen to me, by my own means or that of something else. I dont know how much more my mind can take of this torture from all sides. Its driving me to insanity and I dont know if I can handle that. I want to go away to a place where I can love and be loved and be happy and all the evil is gone and I can be reunited with all forms of myself and dont have to be this crap that I am that causes me so much lonliness. ::Sigh:: bah, no place exists unless an Asian country has someway to break me, but I dont think Ill be going there any time soon and as I said already, I dont know how long I will last. Bah, life is a cruel pit of crap, I wish I had someone to comfort me in my time of need.